Holy Fuck, I feel like Stevie Wonder looking at some titties for the first time. And not just any titties. Not the sweat-sock-half-filled-with-gravy floppy tits. No, the best tits there ever were or will be. The kind of taters that would launch a thousand ships.

See, I lived my whole adult life aware of the band Tool, and I'd minimally heard their shit, and even liked it. I would smile and nod when their name came up and even feigned interest when I began giving lessons to the older brother of Tool's guitarist. However I was not a huge fan until last night, seeing them tear it up for their home town show in the Chicago 'burbs. Un-fucking-believable. I have never been to a show before where I walked in a normal dude, and walked out a huge fan. A total rebirth and epiphany into awesomeness.

I know this is goign to be laced with terms that sound like exaggerations on my part, but fuck, I can't explain it any other way. I can safely say I've never seen a better rock drummer or lead singer perform. I can also easily go on record saying that I've never seen a visual performance like this at a live show. And I can also go out on a limb and project that I can't imagine any circumstance in which any band anywhere could put on a better, more artistic, and more enjoyable show. Well maybe if they dug up Bonzo and had four people above him working his limbs like a madman marionette. But thats a long shot. Rest in Peace Bonzo.

The visuals were a literal mindfuck. We were informed early on that the stage show was designed from the perspective of a person in the top rear of a colliseum. SO suddenly, our section 212 seats were the 'best in the house' at least visually speaking. Anyhow, the stage was massive and all white, and behind the band a stood a 7 foot white screen which was projected from behind. During the entire show different crazy fucked up animations and Tool-esque debacuhery was projected onto the screen behind the band, but also onto the stage where they stood. It felt like a psychedlic trip into the end scene of The Golden Child. Anyone who's ever seen a Tool album or any artwork by Alex Grey can understand the utter strangenss of the artwork associated with this band. There were lasers, there were lights, there was smoke, and there was a rock hard boner in my Bugle Boys. It was simultaneously scary, captivating, and totally kick ass.

I know that this website throws around superlatives about how great some not-so-great bands are. I know that every bloke who passes through the Mercury Lounge gets the blog equivalent of oral sex from Jay, but I cant stress how much I mean business when I say that you should go see Tool on this tour if at all possible.

It was one of the best thigns I have ever seen in my life, musical or otherwise. The band was tight, artistic and totally fucking sweet. And most shocking was that I walked in a normal fucker not expecting much more than distortion, screaming, and a whole lotta dudes. But I literally walked out of the arena as a diehard Tool fan.

So big thanks to the band, thanks to Al Jones for hooking up the all access, and thanks to Jay for giving me a place to spew this nonsense.