So last night I flew home from Florida after some days on the beach. I will leave out the details but one noteworthy thing is that a blackbird swooped down from the sky and scratched the top of my head. I've never heard of live birds running into anybody but then again, I've never had a flight like I did last night either.

Anyways, if you've ever been on a plane or in a movie theater (Shit, I hope you can at least say you've done one of those), you know how tense it can be jockeying with your neighbor over the armrest. Sometimes it's an awkward battle for control and dominance; other times the arm brush can be a flirtatious little hello to a lovely lady (or a gentleman if you're in the mood for a little "hobbla hobbla hobbla".)

Last night I actually had a middle seat on the airplane and the guy to my left only had one arm. His right arm was gone...which meant no jockeying for the armrest...a one in a million gift from God! So while it might have been sad and traumatic for this man to lose his arm, at least for me it meant that I had full control over one entire armrest for the duration of the flight. SCORE!!!! So I guess the moral of the story is: something horrifying and tragic to someone else can be great for me.

It got me thinking about that surfer chick Bethany Hamilton who got her arm bitten off by a shark. If I went on a date with her to the movies, would I want to sit on the no arm side so I could have the armrest? Or would I want to sit on the arm side so I could allow the chance of getting a handy? (If anyone reads this, which is doubtful, please let me know which side I should sit on).

And what about the late, great (well actually not that great or late) Jim Abbot. Admittedly he only had a gimpy retard hand, but he'd probably make a good date to a ball game...you know, giving great commentary on the inner workings of pitching and the game of baseball, while staying the fuck off my armrest. What if Jim Abbot and Bethany Hamilton went to the movies together?

Oh shit, this is going no where...time to do lines of my dry taint skinflakes.