My homeboy Sticky Stan just sent this email report on life in Tikrit. If you don’t know, I spent my better days in Pennsylvania with this guy. He is a standup person who consistently puts the needs of others before his own. It is a definite must read. Please keep in mind that the kid is as tolerant as a back country kid who joined the service can be. He continues to amaze me with his optimistic outlook and constant inquisition. Please have a read from the frontlines of our war in Iraq as he tries to internally sort out the mess. There is also some interesting insight on soldiers from New York and how they are treated within the ranks. If you’d like to send him some sort of well wishing email (or some porno), email me your information and I’ll hit you with his. This blows my fucking mind:
What up,
HOW I BE LIVING
I’m living in Tikrit right now at a military base called camp Danger (sounds safe right). Saddam grew up here in Tikrit, so he held this place dear to his heart. After he became famous he never forgot about his ol' hood (I guess you can take the dictator out of the hood, but you can't take the hood out of the dictator) he built a bunch of palaces for his family and close friends. When the Army started blowing shit up back of 03 (shock and awe), I guess we're not stupid and we decided to call this place home. I live in the water palace; it is built right over a river. Story has it that Saddam used to park his boat here right underneath the palace, and when he didn’t like somebody he used to cut em up and throw them in the river and that is why the fish are so fucking gigantic. Right beside my palace is the one that Saddam called home, it is ridiculously huge. Back when this war started before we found Saddam in a cave we thought we had him pinned down in that palace, you can still see where we sent the Tomahawk missile right into his bedroom window. There is also another hole, I think for good measure we decided to drop a bunker buster right thru the ceiling. It is the only building we don't occupy because the foundation is a little shaky; I suppose a 500 pound bomb will do that. For his mothers birthday one year Saddam built his mom the most extravagant building I have ever seen (hmmm, moma's boy). This place is so big it's retarded; it is also where I work.
THIS PLACE IS GAY
So the day after I showed up I was being showed around base, and we went down to Iraqi island. It is an island on the river right beside post where we train the new Iraqi army how to do soldier stuff (kinda like basic training). So we are chilling, when I’m told to go to the shower building and get the Iraqi's for some classes. I walk right up to the building and open the door and successfully scar myself for life. 10 Ft. from me are about 7 or 8 dudes fucking and sucking each other's dicks. With no formal training on what to do in these situations all I could do was yell "HAY STOP THAT, SHOWERS OVER" when they saw me they were frozen with fear with the dear in the headlight look. I got the fuck out of there, when I got back to the vehicle everybody was laughing at me (I got punk'd). See, the Iraqi people are a gay sort with a different way of thinking. Women are for breeding and men are for pleasure.
ELTON JOHN AND 1 CRAZY JAMACAN
Now, I haven’t made my final analysis yet on weather we should be here or not, but I do know what we are doing here seems to be good. The future of this place lies on those gay bastards in the shower. We need to get them trained and ready to fight, with the right training they become pretty fierce fighters (you got to have some kind of respect for a dude that can take a dick in the ass for fun). As for the bad guys these guys are real evil and also real gay. I’m not talking gay plan for a straight man gay, I’m talking Elton John if he was stuck in a third world country for any amount of time with no paparazzi gay. The way I understood it before I got here is this. If these guys strap a bomb to themselves and die for their religion they go to Ala and spend eternity with 12 virgins (sign me up, right). I come to find out that that those 12 virgins are little boys (ewww). So we are fighting people that blow themselves up for little boys (now, that’s just silly). To make a long story short we are training a bunch of gay bastards to do battle with a bunch of evil pedophiles (it would be more funny, if it wasn't so true).
Most of the bad guys used to be rich before we got here; they used to rap women, control all the money, chop people's heads off (typical evil doer stuff). Now they are kinda pissed that we took that from them so they hide in the mountains and shoot mortar rounds at us and try to attack the base. It's not as scary as it sounds though, it is actually the funniest part of the day. It's so boring here (it would be Groundhog Day but instead of starring bill murray you get Jack Osborne) that when they shoot a mortar on base which happens about twice a day our tax dollars go to work. Like 20 seconds after the mortar lands we are locked on the vicinity of where it came from and the Apache's are in the air raining Hell fire all over the mountainside (pretty impressive), and than the Tank parked right beside the dinning facility starts popping off (they aim for the dinning hall during lunch hours because of the high concentration of troops, so we parked a tank right there (I get my food to go). The guy that works the tank is some crazy Jamaican dude that lived in Manhattan during 9/11 and he still has a grudge, so nobody argues with him when he pop's off an extra round or 5. word on the street is that some evil doer's are gonna get together and try to rush the gate, that would be the quickest way to get 12 virgin boys. We got a couple thousand pissed off New Yorkers (42 Infantry Division is the NY national guard, 9/11 never forget), we got a 82 billion dollar budget(hmmm deficit), and we got 1 corn fed Pennsylvanian boy (Sheaff Diggity). Now I am the last person to promote violence but if your going to try to kill me FUCK IT.
OTHER THAN THAT
Other than that the food is pretty good. The shop has semi new DVD's and CD's, sometimes mail gets blown up on the convoy over, we have a really nice gym I go to everyday, palm tree's are pretty, the insects are deadly, and I’m getting a really great tan.
Peace to the Streets,
Sheaff Diggity
5 Comments:
That was one of the best posts on Good Times Roll ever.
And you didn't even write it, you lazy punk.
tumbleweed, just get me that goddamn tape.
seriously. that was a really nice story. what's up with that shower part though? was he really punk'd or were those guys being gay cause they liked to give dudes hummers? -sean
no, bones they were iraqi soldiers doing each other. like he said, different culture, different ethos. but dude, if you're into it, we're having a log jamming session later this week, i'll keep you posted.
Just was out for a blog and noticed yours, I w am new to this whole blogging and wondering if it would be a good way to promote my book about training dog to hunt and here is another book about training dog to hunt
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