I'm in desparate need of a good haircut, but I'm not willing to pay saloon prices or roll the die at SuperCuts. That being said, are there any semi decent haircutters out there? I'll make it worth your time, I promise. I need to get this done after work today or tomorrow, and with Karen and Liz out of town, I don't know who turn to. Help me!
Busted, battered, torn and bruised. Through all that, I still had an amazing time. Getting banged up on the weekend is like getting laid after prom. At this stage in the game it’s nearly inevitable so you have to suck it up and roll with the various punches that are searching for the knockout mark. Luckily I dodged a few upper cuts this past weekend that had the added bonus of an extra day.
Friday night Noah, Andrew and Ryan had a party at their new place in Park Slope. Earlier in the evening some kids came over to 186 to get the evening kicked off with a couple of beers and some knifers. Around 9pm Oveis, Stevo, Kyle, Christie and I piled into Hawkin’s Outback to take a cruise to the other island. We made it out there without any trouble and found we were on the early side.
What the fuck is wrong with girls? Seriously, I’m asking you because I can’t figure it out. This doesn’t have to do with me being single since the end of time due to my inability to schedule time for anyone but myself. It doesn’t have to do with me making out or getting action. It has to do with the absurd actions of my little sister who refuses to use commonsense or show respect for my mother and Bruce. Every phone conversation I have with my parental figures inevitably ends with them venting about the ridiculous behavior of my 18 year old sister. I need help. I need advice. I need to figure out how to make her realize that her actions are plain stupid. She is wasting her savings. She isn’t working. She is amassing 14 parking tickets and 2 bad speeding tickets along with a few accidents after 2 years of driving. She talks back worse than I did as a 13 year old punk. What is a boy to do? She yells at me and hangs up on me. She tells Bruce to go fuck himself. She is off the fucking chain, and I’m going nuts. Why won’t she wise up? When did she loose the ability to reason? Why would an 18 year old girl not be able to see why her parents won’t let her go on a camping trip with three boys? How can she not see the logic? It’s a myth to me. Any kid who doesn’t respect their parents deserves a slap in the face, especially when their mother has been through so much. I can’t hit a bitch, but dammit I’m about to hire someone to do it for me. How does someone have the capacity to hurt everyone that cares deeply about her? My girls are my life and I would do anything for them, but at this point those convictions are being questioned.
Anyway, Noah’s party was great. A real solid house party despite the fact it was in that other borough. There were many a Culkins had. A couple of the highlights include a botched Culkin by Oveis and I that ended with Beach’s pants ripping, a Culkin on Chernin while he had a full glass of champagne in his hand and the Culkin on Hawkins after he had bet Beach a bottle of tequila that he would never be Culkined again. What an ass. This party was great because I got to know some kids such as Pooja and Carlos a bit better. And how about Erin’s constant Chapelle quoting? Dave and Erin were yelling the Chapelle Little John impression across the room and it was hilarious.
Whaaaat? Yeeeeeah.
The party ended with Beach, Mandell and I taking a car back to the L.E.S. where I met up with Christie and we closed the bar at Pianos before calling it an evening.
Saturday was the big basketball game, but what was touted as a serious match up didn’t really deliver. We met at the courts around 2pm and began the game. Noah and I had a little trouble finding our rhythm, but once we did, it was on like Donkey Kong. Noah and I beat Beach and Oveis 21-5. Noah and I had some solid movement without the ball which opened up some driving lanes which ultimately provided the chance to penetrate and dish to the open man once the defense collapsed. After the beating we played a few more games with Matty G, Stevo, Jack and D’Angelo who was a really cool neighborhood kid who could ball.
Following the physical activity, Noah, Matt and I chilled on 186’s fire escape before meeting up with Lucy, Oveis, Beach and Lil Beach for a viewing of Soul Plane which could be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I know what you are thinking, “But Jay, Method Man and Snoop Dog in the same film, how could it miss?” Well, it not only missed, it flopped. There were so many fart jokes that a third grader would have thought it obtuse. And all the bullshit emotion was enough to make me vomit. Why were they trying to tell a story between each poo poo joke? To say the least, it was bad. I know most of you aren’t dumb enough to waste your money, but those of you who are, skip this one and go see Mean Girls.
Noah and I decided to collect our free dinner won earlier on Saturday so Oveis, Beach and the two of us headed to Bubbi’s on the west side for some amazing BBQ and PBR. We each indulged in a BBQ combo that consisted of ribs, pulled pork, chicken and brisket. The meal destroyed us so we decided to hang out with Noah’s friend Steve who helped us to digest the various animals that were in our stomachs. We took a walk over to the water just to hang out, and believe me, you should all try this. Near Sty High on the West Side Highway there is a mini-golf course that we tried to hit up, but it was closed. Instead we walked back this dock into this empty piece of pier that had picnic tables and was completely deserted. I think we found a new makeout spot. Is anyone down to try it out?
The evening was finished with some beers over at Nancy’s Whiskey pub which I haven’t been to in ages. It felt like it must have been 10 years since we last stepped foot into that bar to cause trouble and talk with the older bartender dude who is always trashed. That was only four years ago but it feels lifetimes away. Afterward I cut the evening off by renting Miracle and hanging out by myself. And yes, I have a new favorite film. Who do you play for? U. to the S. to the mother fucking A.
My Sunday started like most Sunday’s regardless of the extended weekend. While laying around watching The Fog of War Perry called and asked me to hunt down a Chili’s that he could stop at on his way to town. We worked it all out and after a series of phone calls, he showed up at 186 along with a ludicrous amount of Boneless Buffalo Wings and various other goodies (including a Brazilian Barking Tree Frog). Beach, Oveis, Stevo, Jack, Chernin, Kyle, Ryan and I all jumped into the grub before heading over to the Mercury Lounge for Beach’s Birthday Bash. When we walked up to the club Jersey Dan was hanging outside and the place was still fairly empty so we went back to 186 so JD could get his munch on. We returned to the club only to find it packed with friends who were getting set to catch Sam Champion’s set which Noah proudly dedicated to the 1980 U.S.A. hockey team. There were a ton of kids there and watch me while I try to mention them all now in no particular order:
Sam Champion, Stevo, Jack, Kyle, Dee, Oveis, Elise, Mohawk, Lucy, Dave, Ali, Raime, Ryan, Jin, Kristen, George, Dj, Pooja, Jordan, Brenda, Dan, Erin, Christie, Rana, Jersey Dan, Anna, Molly, Johhny K, Dennis, Audrey, Justin, Lou, Hawkins, Carlos, Hela, Jeanie, Dave, Perry, Mobius Band, Windskill, Leah, Matty G, some girl named Sunny, Benzos, Builder, Miriam, Jomo, Jen, Andrew, Kirsten and various other monkeys I’ve left out all showed up at the Mercury to pay homage to Johnny “I Piss Tequila and Shit Guacamole” Beach who turned 24 earlier that week. He threw a bitching party that included killer bands and a great mix of kids.
That reminds me. Birthday wishes go out to Sivan and Beach who each turned 24 last week. Sivan’s birthday party is coming up this Friday so keep your calendars clear.
Here is a rundown of the top 10 moments of the party:
10. Justin led the crowd in a Birthday Song.
9. Lucy and Mohawk’s Hawkins Culkin.
8. Seeing Beach drunker than ever. Did you see him?
7. Puke inducing Tequila shot.
6. Windskill.
5. The Culkin on Perry by the Bteam.
4. Sam Champion’s set.
3. Rana’s Louie, Louie and huge set.
2. Perry on stage in a red speedo.
1. Beach on Perry’s shoulders and barely coherent.
I don’t have much to say because the rest of the weekend was uber mello. Some great meals at Clinton Street where they now know me by name, a couple more rented movies and too many knifers pretty much says it all.
And so that all of you know, the Gay Porno prank on Builder's room was a success. That boy will be finding cocks for the next couple of months. For those of you who don't know, Dan, Kyle and I took an afternoon and cut out piles of huge cocks from a couple Gay Porno mags we purchased and proceeded to hide them all over his bedroom. The secret is out though, we know he loves it.
11 Comments:
Remember when that gay porno prank was pulled on me by Dan and Nicky Beats? Notice the two constants in these pranks are Dan Rosato and lots and lots of pictures of cocks? I'm no Euclid, but I think I can make some safe extrapolations about the skeletons in Mr. Rosato's closet.
xoxoxo
PAUL
paul, we finally agree. Dan is a closet case, but he hides behind a girlfriend and a beard. I love him nonetheless.
j
Jay- Did you ever see those Dateline investigations where they take a blacklight to a motel to inspect the "health hazards" splattered on the bed and around the room? Well, take a blacklight to Mr. Rosato's beard, and I can guarantee that you'll find a lifetime's worth of bonersauce. Speaking only for myself, I can remember more than a few evenings when I sprayed Dan in the grill like a 1965 Birmingham race riot.
paul, you are a wordsmith and despite your need to use it for evil, i still think its amazing. (race riot! who says that?)
i cut hair. for seriously, if you still need someone. i say we do it at jin's and make a celebration out of it, thereby requiring the consumption of massive amounts of alcohol and resulting embarissing dance moves and imitiations of immigrant parents' bizarre antics.
that or a more plausible plan -- if you're going to hella at northsix on friday, i can examine your hair and see what we's can do.
paul, i'm not sure who you are, but your brain is damaged goods. and as for you, jay, calling someone a "wordsmith" tells me you have been accessing too many sycophantic reviews of pop culture novels by some spin magazine moron for your kitsch imput. please don't ever call this charlatan, paul, a good writer. he's stupid and embarrassing like a personalized license plate. you're stuff's alot more fun to read than that hater. scat turdly
Dear Scat, glad to see that Thesauraus your Mom bought you has been put to good use. Now let's move on to the topic of what it means to be, as you say, a "good writer." First of all, excellent usage of capitalization, you are, indeed, the kd lang of prose. Secondly, 'you're' means 'you are.' I won't even get into what a shithead you are. Next, "alot" is actually two words, but I'll let that one pass because you probably had ALOT of balls in your mouth that day at school. Finally, "hater?" I'm not even going to comment on that flaming heap of literary dog shit. Disagree with my opinions? Fine. Disagree with my technique, and you will undoubtedly be laid to rest with a solid blow from the grammar hammer. Love, PAUL
Fight nice boys.
from what i can gather, paul, you're recommending a typing class. yes, this i need. i've never been very good at the whole capitalization thing and spelling is not my strong point. but phish really does suck and if you are going to criticize hipsters consider that phish and their followers are ten times as stupid. at least hipsters enjoy more than one band every five years. plus, if my big words bother you well then you're just stupid or are able to boast english as a second language, which might explain things. if e.s.l. is your thing then we are all proud of you. great job! sorry jay for slamming you about the wordsmith thing but you know how shitty scat can be. scat turdly
scat is right on one thing. phish sucks.
I'm done.
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