In and Out: Wanna Be An Indie-Rock Gangsta?

Dudes and chicks, good to see all of you again. Hopefully, you caught some of the shows that we recommended this week. If not, well, your bad. Don't take it too hard. You can still work back towards being a relevant, and knowledgeable figure in your group of friends and larger social network. So, plan on attending the Arcade Fire, LCD Soundsystem, Blonde Redhead, Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, U2, Beatles, Radiohead, Roman Bread and Circus that is going on Saturday out on Randall's Island. Suffice it to say, and with no exaggeration, it could be the biggest concert of all time. Literally. No question.

But, we recognize you might be headed into a large group of hipsters and rock-snobs for the first time. Not. your. fault. We liked Matchbox 20, too. When we were 13. With this in mind and to prepare you to dominate those around you, we proudly present our list of 40 "cool" things to say at the Arcade Fire concert that will make you look like you know what you're talking about. Or, at the very least, make other people feel stupid and uninformed. This ain't a scene, folks - It's a goddamn Indie Rock concert.

1) "Have you heard the new Broken Social Scene album? Ha! Trick question, they will never record a group record again! Or, at least that's what I read on Stereogum. "

2) "I'm into Interpol but not really their new stuff. I mean, like when Carlos D was 12 and playing in the marching band. Yeah, I'm pretty into some of the Marching Band Sessions. After that, they pretty much sold out."

3) "I once saw the lead-singer of The Bravery at a bar and I broke a beer bottle and tried to stab him in the stomach. Seriously, THAT is how much I hate their music."

4) "When I was traveling around Europe, I saw Franz Ferdinand play in a Thai restaurant on the coast of Portugal. This was waaaaaaay before they got famous. I mean, like, no one had heard of them but that's why the show was so good."

5) "I'm mostly into bands who don't use instruments. In fact, I'm really into this band now that doesn't play music."

6) "David Bowie once kissed me on the mouth. With tongue."

7) "I really like the new Britney single, "Gimme More." And not in an ironic way at all. I'm not just liking it because you would think I wouldn't. I'm actually just liking it on it's own. I didn't even think about anyone else. Does this sound rehearsed? Oh god, it went so much better the first time I ran through it."

8) "I saw Belle and Sebastian on the Tigermilk tour. It sucked."

9) "Did you read (fill in the blank article) from (fill in the blank major music publication)? Yeah, me neither, I stopped reading (said publication) about 20 years ago. Yeah, it was, like, almost before I could read."

10) "Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Neither. I like Deerhoof."

11) "I got pretty into The Shins but that was back when they were called Flake Music. Actually, it was when James Mercer was conceived by his parents. He made some of his best music while in the womb. Once he was an infant, he'd already sort of started to suck."

12) "Do you guys want to hear some Fruit Bats rarities? Me neither. They're terrible."

13) "I think the Arcade Fire should add 20-30 members and then have a West Side Story-style musical fight with Polyphonic Spree."

14) "I think Colin Meloy is gay. Seriously, he hit on me once in Portland. I try to get out to Portland once or twice a week. You know, just to connect with the scene. Although, I think Portland is kind of uncreative right now. I'm more into Denton, Texas and Dyersville, Iowa. There are some artist collectives out there that just .... really inspire me."

15) "Yeah, I used to live off the L-train but then I realized it was suffocating me. I moved to Hartford and now work at Jamba Juice."

16) "Well, I think Radiohead letting people pay whatever they want for In Rainbows is pretty amazing. Oh me? I'm not going to pay anything for it. I've been stealing music for years. I haven't bought a record since the single release of Backstreet's "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely."

17) "I once saw Fall Out Boy crossing Avenue B and I told my cab driver to speed up so we could hit them. He wouldn't do it and I started yelling at him. It's like, really? Learn English already!"

18) "I think Oasis could be cool again in like 15 or 20 years. Or maybe longer. Maybe after we're all dead."

19) "Hip-hop? Yeah. I'm into Sage Francis and Atmosphere and Aesop Rock. Real hip-hop. I mean, I used to live in Bed-Stuy and that's the kind of music they play in the street. Real "black" music. That's what is getting played in the projects and there's something, I don't know, ... true about that."

20) "I heard the last Bloc Party record and it made me physically ill. I would rather die than hear them play another song ever. Ever. Seriously."

21) "This one time I ran into the lead-singer of TV on the Radio and he bought me a shot. We're close now, I think."

22) "I'm on the list. The Les Savy Fav list. Yeah. That one. (To no one in particular) These fucking door-people are soooooooo stupid."

23) "I thought Blonde Redhead's album was a lot cooler when you put the mp3 coding into a random number generator and then listen to it on cassette tape. It sounds like a lot of static. Which is cool."

24) "I mostly buy vinyl."

25) "B-sides."

26) "I briefly liked The Tragically Hip before I realized they were from Canada. Then I thought they were terrible."

27) "WolfParadeWolfEyesAIDSWolfLeLoupWeAreWolves? Yeah. Those bands are okay."

28) "I was in Montreal when the whole 'scene' blew up. I immediately moved to Ottawa. I had to get away."

29) "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

30) "(Fill in the blank label) has some good bands but their old roster with (fill in the blank band who no longer exists, preferably with a dead or dying band member) was a lot cooler."

31) "My friend found the sword Elliot Smith used to kill himself. Yeah, he sold it on eBay for like 2,000 dollars. It would have been worth more but the police wiped all the blood off. Fucking pigs."

32) "Wamp. Wamp."

33) "Yeah, my parents help me with my rent. I still hate them though. What a bunch of uncreative assholes. Fucking box-people, man."

34) "I spent most of art school trying to figure out if it was worth getting out of bed anymore. I would say I paint a little like Chagall."

35) "Have you been to (fill in the blank obscure bar, preferably one that just opened or just closed)? It's cool ... if you like that kind of thing."

36) "Jenny Lewis made a pass at my friend once. He fucking turned her down and called her fat! How funny is that shit?"

37) "I thought about being gay but I think being gay is kind of played out. I was thinking of becoming Catholic because that's, like, the new gay."

38) "I heard Grandaddy play an all acoustic set on the night they broke up. It was their last show ever. I hated it but my friend made me go."

39) "That's funny. I used to like The Cure too. Then I realized what a fucking loser Robert Smith was. If I saw him in a bar, I'd stab him with a broken beer bottle."

40) "This concert? Yeah. It fucking blows. Let's go to the Lower East Side. Or maybe New Jersey. Is that the cool new spot?"